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[ooc: both muse and mun can be reached here. Fear not, we don't bite...hard. ;p]
Yeah...I have a strong sense of responsibility. I think most everyone does, it’s a basic part of human nature to feel a certain obligation with regards to...countless aspects of one’s life. Now...whether or not that inherent responsibility is to themselves or to others? That’s what separates men and women into the good, the bad, and the ugly.
As for what triggers it...it’s not much more than a basic sense of right and wrong, at least for me. If I see something wrong that’s in my power to fix? Then it’s my responsibility to make it right, and I take that responsibility very seriously. Honestly, I believe it’s probably the simplest, most basic duty of every human being to take note of the things out there that they have the power to correct and to *do* it. Making changes for the better isn’t a hard thing to do...to want to make a difference where you see the chance.
My family, my ex-wife...they couldn’t see that. Well...at least Sara couldn’t. The one thing she claimed to love about me ended up being the one thing she divorced me over.
It’s kind of a sick thing that my father was the only one who ever really got it...the drunkard that worked so hard to screw me up when he was raising me...he understood the nature of it. Before my wedding, he told me that commitment is what makes me tick...but it’s more than that.
I could be committed to anything...but I’m committed to people. I have a responsibility to them...to help them. And I haven’t always been sure that helping through medicine has been my calling...but I’ve known, my whole life, that somehow...it’s what I’m made to do.
I just wish the rest of the world could see that.
Muse: Jack Shephard
Okay, devil’s advocate? Fine...I can do that. Say it’s true...all of it. If I stand on the opposite side of what I really believe to be happening, I have to admit that the things Locke says...maybe even some of the things that Eko said are true.
Fate’s at work here...Destiny, a higher power guiding us all to this spot, here and now. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s something totally out of my control. I was meant to be on this island. I was meant to be where I am, to feel how I feel...to act as I’ve acted.
Why are we here? What greater purpose could it possibly serve for our flight to go down? What destiny would require the loss of so many lives? What could possibly be so important that it would require this much suffering?
I can concede to the opposing viewpoint, but I can’t abandon reason for the sake of rationalizing the stance. If I agree that we have a destiny by being on this island, then there has to be a reason. I’m just saying present it...even a hint at it. Where’s the path? Where’s the sense? I’ll even concede that maybe God has a hand in all of this. Where’s his presence? Show me one sign of his grace, his benevolence...I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m not even asking for a divine presence. I’m just asking for some kind of order...some kind of logic.
If there’s a plan, there has to be a method to it all...and I know we survived the crash. Yes, that’s classifiable as miraculous, but why? Why save all our lives if we’re just meant to die off, one at a time in senseless acts of violence and brutality?
I know that a lot of this stuff takes faith...but even the faithful have a reason to believe.
And that’s all I want...a *reason.*
Muse: Jack Shephard
Freedom...that’s worth dying for.
I know...very BRAVEHEART of me, but freedom is a valuable thing. I know what it’s like to be a prisoner in your own skin, and I know that I’ve seen freedom taken from even those who appear to be the jailers...the ones who appear to hold freedom in the palm of their hands.
Look at us...the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. We’re prisoners of this godforsaken island, and all we want is to be free. A lot of us have died in the name of rescue, our only avenue to freedom...from the island, from the Others...we’ve all sacrificed. And if you believe John Locke, we’re meant to do more than that, we *are* sacrifices.
Locke...just another bar on our cell door. I don’t know what goes through that man’s head, and sometimes I’m not sure I want to know. Truthfully, I find some of his ideas a little frightening. His total willingness to sublimate his will to some higher power, and the island no less. It’s taken so much from us, and he wants to give it everything.
I’ve seen things on this island...things that aren’t possible, things that can’t be real. But I know they are...and still, I refuse to ascribe to Locke’s mindset.
Total submission to a higher power, even to God, is just another form of imprisonment. I’ve seen something similar in Eko...and yet it’s not the same. Eko may have been a priest, but he never submitted to anything, not completely. He made choices, he acted in the name of free will. He didn’t give himself over to God, he simply offered what he had.
I sometimes wonder if he died for just that reason. I’ve heard Charlie’s story, that he stood up to the monster once...I wonder if maybe that ultimately killed him.
It’s an awful thing to say, but the only thing I can say...if Eko had to die? I hope that’s the reason.
I hope he died free.
Muse: Jack Shephard
1) The free man...the one who chose his own destiny over his father’s desires.
2) The passionately devoted doctor...though passion and devotion are a part of who he is, they’ve always been reserved for his patients...not his trade.
3) The good husband. Sarah was right to leave him, and he hates her for it sometimes. More than that, however, he hates himself for being the man she saw in the end.
4) The physician... ‘do no harm.’ An oath he swore that he’ll never be able to hold to again now that he’s taken another human life.
And did so without hesitation...with a readiness and a capability that still frightens him.
5) Jack Shephard...his life had never truly been his own and he knows it. The things he wants for himself, the dreams he’s had that he could never speak aloud in his father’s presence...he’ll never live the life he wanted, even if his father’s dead now. He’ll never be himself...entirely.
6) The happy man...he doesn’t know if he can truly be happy because he has nothing in his life he can be truly happy for, at least not conventionally.
7) The leader...he can do what he has to, but a leader will do anything to lead. Jack still has lines he won’t cross.
8) The prisoner. You can only do so much to imprison a man that’s lived his whole life in chains.
9) The lover...he had to get stuck in a plane crash to realize he’d never truly loved a woman he was with, and now he’s not sure he ever will.
10) The loved...saying it made it real. And it will never change...he’ll never stop loving Kate, and she’ll probably never say it back to him.
But he knows...on some deeper level, he knows. And that’s why he can still find a certain bitter joy in loving Kate.
Muse: Jack Shephard
It didn’t feel right, sitting in the chair...but he was home now, and he’d take what he could get. Couldn’t afford to be picky, not when he couldn’t go back...it was a shame, though, for all of Achara’s gift of sight and the curse he’d let her brand into his skin, he actually wished he could have her do this particular piece.
The one he had designed...the one he had chosen. A definition of self that *he* had made, not her or Fate or anyone else.
Everything about the process felt empty but the pain. The smell was as sharp and sterile as the hospital, but it lacked the warmth that the humanity in a hospital brought, even if that humanity was laced with disease. It also lacked the delicate, spicy scent of incense that had lingered in Achara’s studio. The light was too harsh, the chair was too industrial.
But the pain and the bitter smell of ink mixed with the flat, metallic scent of blood...there was depth to it. The feel of the needle marking his skin brought him back to those moments in her chair...even if the buzz of the pen was alien compared to the sharp, rhythmic hammering of Achara’s bamboo instruments, beating the brand into his flesh.
But when it was over, Jack had what he came for...over the Asian characters was a character of his own. It might have seemed silly to anyone that knew the story behind the stylized number five that now branded his shoulder...but it wasn’t silly or ridiculous to him.
Nothing would have more than a passing grip on him...not fear, not destiny, not anything.
Whether it was five seconds, five days, or five years...Jack would always be his own master.
Regardless of what her eyes saw.
Muse: Jack Shephard
I’ve been in love before...more than once. And it hurts...it’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s a burden. Sometimes it feels good, but the rest of the time it’s a hardship. It starts like an obsession, consuming you in every waking moment, and if you manage to get a chance with the one you’re after? You have to work to maintain that relationship.
Then there’s always that fear of losing...and the actual loss itself. It’s crippling...it emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for. If it’s worth it...if anything is worth it.
For a long time, I’ve wondered if it’s worth it...then I met Kate.
And I fell in love with her.
It was just as hard, just as painful as any other time I’ve ever been in love...but it was the first time that it was ever worth it. Being near her gave value to the heartache that loving her promised. Seeing her smile, hearing her laugh...it made the work to keep her close something that I looked forward to.
I knew I loved her the moment I saw her with Sawyer...because it hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe. And even though I knew I’d been set up to see it all...I also knew they hadn’t forced her to sleep with him. Not the way she lay in his arms...not the way he held her.
Sawyer loved Kate...there wasn’t any question in my mind about that. That was why I let her go...why I told her I loved her, even though she spent her nights in his tent and in his arms.
The loss of love itself is the worst...it’s crippling. It emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for...if it’s worth it.
For Kate, I would, and am enduring that loss. And if I can do more for her than this...I will.
I love her...and there’s not a thing in this world I won’t do for her.
Muse: Jack Shephard
Coming home was like stepping into an alien world after Puqhet...climbing the stairs to his apartment and walking through his door was a dash of cold water against his fragile psyche.
He dropped his bags in the middle of his living room to simply stare for a long moment, taking in the room around him. It was a study in depression, in despair...once neat and tidy bookshelves were missing volumes, texts leaning and scattered about the room. There were glasses, wrappers, signs of a man that no longer cared enough to make an effort. Clothes were strewn around, papers a mess...short, desperate little notes were littered about, detailing Sarah’s movements, names of men that *might* have been Him...
It was the den of a man who was drowning in his own misery.
Reaching up, Jack touched his arm where the ink lay beneath a layer of light cotton. It still felt tender, that sting reminding him of the characters now branded into his skin.
He walks among us, but he is not one of us.
The tidy, perfect little home he’d left was the home of a successful doctor. This was the home of a shadow. Jack was neither anymore...he didn’t know what he was.
You are a leader, a great man. But this, this makes you lonely, and frightened, and angry.
He was alone because Sarah left him. He was angry because she’d left him for another man.
But he was still afraid...and he couldn’t blame that on her.
The rage bubbled over, the pain of solitude blended with that fear in a single instant that redefined his home. It was a small thing, a simple thing...but it put things into different perspective for Jack as he drove himself to the hospital, and later as he set about cleaning up with only one good hand.
He worked all night, and by the next morning the apartment was pristine. Every shelf in order, every paper gone...every note carefully gathered and stowed away in a drawer to be pored over with careful consideration.
And the hole in the cheap plaster of his living room wall marred the meticulous order with a deliberation that satisfied him. He was in the neat, orderly home of a successful doctor now...just as it should be.
And at the heart of it all, it was the home of a man who never asked to be chosen by Destiny.
Muse: Jack Shephard
1.) Every drink I take...it connects me to all the worst parts of my father, and I hate myself every time alcohol touches my lips. And yet...it always happens.
2.) My compulsive nature. I guess it’s a job hazard, doing what I do for a living, but...in the morning, I have to shave. When I work, I have to scrub. When I care about someone, I need to tell them. And when I can’t do it properly...it grates on me. The dull razor, the lack of a sterile working environment...the massive, infinitesimal history that weighs on even the simplest declaration...it all wears on my nerves. It stresses me more than it should...but I’m a doctor. A perfectionist by default. And sometimes, I wish to God I weren’t.
3.) My allergy to latex gloves. Well...not the latex exactly, but the coating used in them to absorb perspiration. It irritates my hands, and if I get it in my eyes? I’m lucky if I keep my sight. I’ve done that by accident more than once...used those kind during a surgery, then rubbed an itch in my eye. Swelled up so bad I couldn’t see out of it for two days the last time it happened.
4.) My inability to let go. It’s never done me any good. Commitment is supposed to be a good thing...my father once told me that commitment was what made me tick. It’s my drive, my passion...I make a promise, I stick to it. I do a job, I do it right. I love or hate, I go all the way. But all it’s ever done is hurt me and those around me.
5.) My hair...there’s a reason I keep it so short.
6.) My hands...I’m a surgeon after all. When I was in med school, I would find myself comparing my hands to my dad’s. His were thin and long fingered, just shy of bony. You could see those tendons and veins under the skin, but instead of making them look frail it made them look strong. Wiry. My hands...I have the same long fingers like my dad, but they’re not surgeon’s hands. They’re too big, clumsy looking. Sometimes they don’t know their own strength...they’re not meant for those delicate cuts that balance a life on a scalpel’s edge. That fact made it ten times harder to become what my father wanted me to be: the best at what I do.
7.) My tattoo...the characters on my arm. The rest of my tattoos were my own design, but that one...I hate it because it has so much truth to it. It’s a truth I don’t want, and if I’m honest, it’s a truth I fear. I was never supposed to bear this mark...know this truth, carry this burden of awareness. But now I do, and I brought it on myself.
8.) Needing to save everyone...it’s never been all about fixing things. I want to do more than repair, I want to uplift. I want to do more than glue a body back together, I want to heal something deeper. I don’t want to make it right, I want to make it whole again, untouched. I did that for Sarah...and that’s why I lost her.
9.) Anger...I spend a lot of time angry. All the time...every day, every second, it’s just there under the surface. Some days it burns so hot I feel like I’ll combust, others it’s just this heat deep in my veins that I can ignore.
And I hate that Kate is the only one that’s ever been able to make it go away completely.
10.) I hate myself for needing to know about my father...what he said and what he did before he died. I hate how grateful I am to Sawyer for telling me about him. Most of all, I hate that my dad died before I could hear him say everything he told Sawyer, and say it to my face.
Muse: Jack Shephard
There's never gonna be
A moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is
The thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live
With what you are
[locked from all castaways]
I didn’t trust her worth a damn...not until she came back to our camp. It was different then...it didn’t change anything, and yet it changed everything. Nothing was different about what she’d done or why...but the beach was private. It was beyond Them...and we really met for the first time.
There was no cameras...no Others. No one watching to see what our next move was going to be.
At least...that’s what I thought. I honestly hadn’t considered the possibility that they would mistrust me that much, even if I was protecting Juliet. I thought her help with Claire had changed things. Granted, I didn’t expect a warm welcome on her behalf, but that element of danger she presented...
I didn’t think they would be watching us...the way that They watched us.
I took every precaution to make sure everyone would feel safe. I asked her not to go off alone, and she agreed. We stuck close, so everyone could see I was watching her. I thought they would trust me enough to be comfortable, knowing I had her under control.
And in that time...I discovered something remarkable. I discovered Juliet.
She smiled more readily and was quick to laugh. She made more jokes...her sense of humor was dry, but a little bawdy at the same time. She was clever, easygoing, sweet...I got to learn that she was a good woman, in spite of everything.
And in getting to know her...I trusted her. A little, at any rate. And for that trust, she gave it right back. She came to me and told me just what Ben was making her do...she chose us over Them. She did just what I probably would have done in her situation.
It’s probably the scariest part of this whole thing...knowing just how much I have in common with one of Them.
Knowing it...and being perfectly at peace with it.
Muse: Jack Shephard
Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends. - Jacques Delille
//You can’t pick your family.//
For some reason, he couldn’t stop running that old adage through his mind, over and over again. He thought about it as he gave Ben his exam after the boat trip back to the main island, ora s he flashed the older woman living across from his perfect little suburban house a fake, pleasant smile.
He thought about his people as he attended a small party and made believe at normalcy. His family, chosen by circumstance, if not by Fate. But Jack didn’t believe in Fate.
And when he was done thinking about all of that...he thought about Juliet in her house at the edge of the little enclave...on his arm at that party, helping him with Ben’s exam, telling him a few little stories about the old woman, Richard’s maiden aunt who had been with them for ages.
She was the only thing he had that was real anymore. She was a prisoner in her own right, even if she was, essentially, Jack’s jailer. Ben had trapped her, too. She was warm and funny, delicate and beautiful...and honest, at least as honest as one of Them could be.
She made the pain of missing his adopted family easier to bear...especially the pain of losing Kate. She was control in chaos, a choice where he had none but those Ben allowed him to have. She was the key to everything...and most essentially, she was a good, pleasant companion. Being with her made him feel good.
Jack didn’t know if he could ever really call Juliet a friend...but in his situation, she was the closest he was going to get.
Muse: Jack Shephard
10 Things Jack Shephard Doesn’t Want You To Know
1.) He hates musical theater...he told his ex wife he loved it shortly after they met and got dragged to a production of EVITA on their second date. It was worth it when her face lit up, though...he admitted to his lie on their fourth date.
2.) He’s more like Sawyer than he wants to admit, even to himself. He’s just as skilled at lying and just as cold when the situation calls for it. Information is like a bacteria, power like a flame...sometimes it can actually be beneficial, but too much has to be contained to prevent anyone from getting hurt. He does everything that Sawyer does, just for different reasons. Sometimes, Jack wonders if that makes him any better than him.
3.) He’s never been able to stop drinking. He’s not a clinical case, and he hasn’t gotten drunk since his bachelor party when he married Sarah...but he drinks. He knows all about alcoholism...he knows he’s a likely candidate. He hates his father for being a drunk, and for being weak in the face of his own illness. He knows the impact a single drink can have...yet Jack can’t stop himself from taking it.
4.) He’s always really loved grilled cheese sandwiches.
5.) He knew the moment Juliet was about to kiss him. He could see it coming from a mile away...before their lips met, he’d been seconds away from turning to look for Kate.
6.) He knew he loved her the moment he first saw them arguing. He was too far away to hear or even see what was going on, but knowing she wasn’t happy bothered him. It hurt, being away...but it was easier if he pictured her happy. When her joy was his and her suffering caused him pain...he knew.
7.) Once or twice Jack has gone by the old golf course and wished that Michael were still around to play a couple of holes.
8.) Jack actually *did* recognize Charlie when Kate asked him if he knew Driveshaft. He spent the next week trying to get “You All Everybody” out of his head.
9.) He was going to kill Ethan himself. He’d wanted to...for hurting Claire, for trying to kill Charlie...for coming after *his* people. He’d been pleased by the dull slap of flesh and the satisfying crunch of hearing Ethan’s nose break under one of Jack’s blows. If he hadn’t had an audience, Charlie might never have had to pull that trigger.
10.) He doesn’t believe in God...never had any use for religion. But when he told Kate he loved her, and saw the look in her eyes, Jack finally started believing in miracles.
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature". -Dave Barry
He knew that her presence at their camp couldn’t be good...it might even be dangerous...but it was also oddly freeing for him. Juliet was a refreshing presence...she was good for Jack, he’d come to realize that much.
And if the rest of the camp chose to keep their distance...for once it was fine by him.
Arzt had once accused them all of being in high school...on second thought, he’d actually accused them of it multiple times. But maybe he was right in some capacity or another...there were cliques all around them, juvenile as it sounded. All of the castaways had found their own places, seperate or with others. Women and men were obvious...but there were also groups like Hurley, Charlie, Jin and Desmond as well. Nikki and Paolo had been in one, Kate and Sun were their own little duo...
Then there was Kate and Sawyer, who had forged a clique of their own...
And yes, the notion hurt. But if Kate had what she wanted...then all the better for her. The only thing Jack had ever truly wanted for her was for her to be happy...to find a reason to stop running. If Sawyer was what she truly needed, if he gave her all of that, Jack truly and honestly wished them both well.
Juliet understood what he’d been through...what it was to be used and manipulated to serve another man’s warped goals. She made him smile like he hadn’t in ages. She had a delicate beauty and an endless inner strength that appealed to him.
And if spending more time with her meant abandoning the “In” crowd...then so be it.
Muse: Jack Shephard
Since I was a kid, Mark Silverman has been my best friend. Ever since he got into some trouble with a few scoolyard bullies and I tried...and failed to bail him out the day we first met, he’s been a constant presence in my life. Through good times and bad, he’s always been more than just a friend, he’s been like a brother to me.
This biography, however, is not about Mark Silverman.
A while back, I was one of the survivors of a horrible plane crash...the n ow infamous Oceanic flight 815. A lot of lives were lost, and along with my fellow survivors, I dealt with a lot of hardship and heartache.
On eof those survivors I got to know was a man I knew as Sawyer, but whom many of you know know as James Ford. It feels funny, calling him my best friend...but it’s true. I’ve known men like Mark...kind, caring, and faithful friends for life.
Sawyer is not that man. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of myself...all the darkest parts of me made manifest. He’s opportunistic, cruel, calculating, and impossibly bitter.
But in spite of that...he’s also noble, passionat, and capable of great kindness. His loyalties are sparse, but fierce...when you make a friend of Sawyer, it’s for life. Above all else, he’s a survivor. If ever I had to pick a Man of Steel? It would be him...shoot him, stab him, try to knock him down, he’ll just keep getting right back up. He doesn’t know what it is to quit.
We’ve clashed more than we’ve ever gotten along, and he’s done mor than enough to ensure that a man has no business trusting him. And yet...knowing what I do, I’d put my life in his hands just as I have countless times before...without hesitation.
Because one thing that Sawyer has never ceased to do for me is give me hope...for myself, and for life in general. A good man with a black heart, James Ford is living proof that even in the greatest darkness, the light will always burn bright enough to light the way to redemption.
Muse: Jack Shephard
[locked from Kate and Sawyer]
I guess you might think that giving up on Kate was the hardest decision I ever made, right? Well...it wasn’t.
Maybe that’s part of what bothers me so much...seeing them together, knowing she’s with him. Making that decision to let go...I’m not good at letting go. I never have been, and I probably never really will be. And it’s made me realize...I never really had her to begin with.
So yes, I’ve done worse...made harder choices with regard to things and people who were actually there all along. In the real world, my divorce...granting Sara the divorce was hard, damn hard. Never knowing the truth...the goddamn *name*...letting her go in spite of that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
Letting Boone go was another. He wanted it...he made his choice, but I was so close...take the leg, save his life...he would have had a chance at least. Maybe I couldn’t have stopped the inevitable, but maybe I could have held it off long enough for Shannon to say goodbye to her own brother.
The hardest decision that I’ve ever had to make, though...maybe the hardest of my life...was the day I made the choice to trust Juliet.
Why? Because I know that I *can’t* trust her. Not at all...not ever. And it’s not because she’s one of Them...she’s not. A lot of the people I met in their camp aren’t bad or evil...and a lot of them are nothing like Ben.
Juliet is not one of those people. She and Ben are the same in one very important way: they will sacrifice anyone and anything to achieve their goals.
The only difference between them, the only reason I trust her at all...I think Juliet deserves what she wants. I can understand it.
So I’ll trust her...for now. Because I know she’d sell me out in a heartbeat if it meant she had a chance to go home.
Muse: Jack Shephard
"It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees." Emiliano Zapata
Live together, die alone. Granted, it’s a little corny, a lot trite, and about as cliche as you can get, but the fact is that it’s true. Painfully true.
I mean...look at us. We’re still here.
We’ve lost some of our number, but it’s part of life: people die and in situations as extreme as this one? People tend to die a lot sooner, and in greater numbers. What happened with the tail section survivors is proof of that. Us? We’re still alive and well, with precious few of us having succumbed to the hardships of the life we’re living. We’ve had enough to eat, and since we found the hatch, we’ve been very comfortable. Our sick and wounded, in varying degrees, have all survived their injuries...we even have a newborn baby healthy and thriving in our midst. I think that speaks volumes about where we’re at.
As individuals, we’d be subsisting. We wouldn’t be anywhere near the level of advancement, of safety and *comfort* that we have right now. The wealth we have can’t be bought our sold, it’s in who we are and what we can do for ourselves and each other. Our joys, our sorrows...they’re far more real and visceral than the experiences we ‘d ever have known in the real world.
Die on your feet, live on your knees...together or alone.
True, that monster in the jungle could easily crush us all under its heel if what we’ve seen...or haven’t seen, for that matter, is any indication. But picking us off one by one? That’s a far easier task...one that the Others have risen to on more than one occasion.
We all may go down one day, but apart, we’d be destroyed that much faster. So if we’re all going to die here? We’ll die together...at least that way, we’ll be that much harder to kill.
Muse: Jack Shephard
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. ~Chinese Proverb
Ben said it to me the other day...and I don’t think there’s a place in the world where it rings more true than it does in this little slice of suburban Hell...that’s the only thing I can think of to call it. Call me bitter, but being kept like a rat in a cage will do that to you.
These people...they’ve turned deception into an art form, and I can’t help but think that some of them take a great deal of pride in it. Tom and Juliet...I don’t think they’re those people. Those like Ben and Pickett, however...I think they enjoy it.
So I got taken for a ride by Michael...we all did. If Sayid hadn’t spoken to me about him...I honestly thought I could trust him, for whatever it was worth. I know he was coerced, and God knows what They did to him during the time he was gone...but it doesn’t make me any less a fool for putting my faith in him.
So we weren’t just betrayed, we were also double-crossed. Michael led us right to the Others, handed us over like chattel.
It was Their biggest mistake, because I will *not* be played twice. Every move they’ve made since they locked me up, I’ve gone against knowing exactly where I stood and what to do: nothing I wasn’t ready to do. I helped Ben to get off this island...I helped Juliet because she was in the same predicament I was in, they just trusted her more, needed what she could do for them.
They already played their one card with me...they had one opening to manipulate me, and now it’s gone.
And so help me God...they will never play me for the fool again.
Muse: Jack Shephard
I deal in the concrete, the tangible. It’s my stock in trade as a physician, so to a degree I suppose the unknown frightens me more than anything. At the same time, though...it appeals to me. Unexplored territories, uncharted vistas...pioneering new and unseen terrain, discovering and learning things beyond what I know. It excites me...I guess that’s part of being a doctor, too...being a scientist: fearing the unknown, and embracing the unrealized.
There are other things I fear, though...things I couldn’t fear until I got to this island. Back in the real world, I feared the things everyone is scared of...rejection, losing those I loved, crossing the street and getting hit by a bus...I feared the normal world and all its ever present dangers, personal and physical.
Then I got here...and fear took on a whole new meaning.
It wasn’t just what I had to fear, either...jungle monsters, polar bears, Others who were ready and willing to kill and kidnap us for whatever purpose drives them. The more that time passes here, the more I lose...the more we all lose. This isn’t the real world, position and possessions don’t matter. Physical dangers are easier to see and recognize...food and water are precious commodities. Bodies hone down to muscle and sinew, perspectives shift to put survival at the top of your list of priorities rather than bills and job performance.
This place has stripped us all down to the core...it’s robbed us of everything and shattered our illusions of what we try so hard to be, and taken us down to who we really are. And me? I’ve lost so much that once mattered to me...and the more I lose, the less I fear.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like nothing scares me anymore.
And that’s the one thing that frightens me most of all.
Muse: Jack Shephard
I’m not a romantic...not by any stretch of the imagination. I believe in romance, and to a degree I have a lot of romantic ideas about love and relationships. I may be a skeptic and a bit of a cynic, but I’m not a cold one.
I don’t believe in love at first sight...but I believe in the possibility to love soon after.
I knew I could fall in love with Kate the first night we spent on this island.
Above everything else, I think that’s what has always awed me about her...that I could see it, *feel* it happening. I knew it was inevitable in its own way...every day we spent together, I found more about her that drew me in. Qualities I admired, smiles I knew she didn’t give anyone else on that island...moments I could claim as precious gems that only belonged to the two of us.
Hell...she even made me like my own tattoos. They’ve been a point of shame ever since the night I got that first one...borne out of pride and anger, the rest out of punishment and some need to manifest further the message branded into my skin.
Kate’s backhanded, flirty praise made me proud of them...made me wonder if perhaps it was a good thing to walk in a world I wasn’t part of. She made me see possibilities that didn’t fit into my world view, and I loved her for it.
I knew that I did love her, well and truly, the moment I saw her in Sawyer’s arms.
Because even though I was sure there had to be other things at work...that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture...it hurt so bad that I couldn’t breathe. Seeing her with him...I physically couldn’t breathe for an instant.
And pain that bad can only come from something infinitely good.
Muse: Jack Shephard